11-15-13
I sort of wish I could make this fiction-y, but I don't think I could. I'm not sure I want to, if that makes sense.
Anyway, this week I realized that I've been doing the same thing that Bean did at the beginning of Ender's Shadow, trying to conquer all the schoolwork when it was the connections with the people that needed to be created. I've been doing a bit of that, too, but it's definitely not the same as some of my classmates (one seems super unassuming and yet is sometimes talking about some informational, networking trip he made; he wants to share the information with us, which is nice, but he seems so on top of it).
I mean, this is the first week I've actually gone to speak to professors outside of class (and only one I spoke to is a professor I actually have in a class this semester). Granted, it is faculty advising and we have open advising, so anybody in our school can sign up to talk to any professor in our school, but still.
I ended up telling the one professor I went to advise with (more like, confirm everything I'd already planned out) that I've been adjusting to coming to such a big school (which is true) and that I'd been doing that by just trying to get all my homework done, and not visiting profs despite my desire to do so. The professor's advice? One, if a professor's office hours clash with my classes or with work, just e-mail them and set up a time, and two, "stop being bashful" because I'm paying a lot of money to go here and I should take advantage of what I'm paying for. Which I totally agree with.
But I suppose it rubbed against other things I've been told, like this here. And so I've been living in my head too much this week, feeling a bit like an impostor even though I know I'm not, and feeling a bit overwhelmed. That also might explain why I've been trying to earn the procrastination honor this week; I have stuff to do, papers to write, etc, but I find myself reading webcomics and eating ice cream instead, partially because there's still two weeks til the paper is due and partially because I don't know why.
Anyway, I have once again resolved certain things. The clue's in the title and this link.
The other resolution is that my confidence can't come from my appearance, but that's for a whole 'nother post.
Aww, I'm sorry you have to deal with this stuff, but I'm also glad you ARE dealing with it.
ReplyDeleteI dunno. I don't have anything of real value to say here except that I hear you, and I know you've got this. Or you will.
I don't watch *Grey's Anatomy,* but one time I saw a commercial for it or someone was watching it when I was walking by or something, and anyway, I don't know the context for this statement, but it has stuck with me. This girl was yelling at this guy about their breakup or something, and he didn't approve of what she'd been doing, I guess, and she said something like, "You don't get to tell me how to heal from that."
Anyway, I just ... you're trying to heal from stuff that people have done to you, and I just really respect that you're trying to, and I wanted you to know that I think it's okay if it's messy or involves ice cream and procrastination at some point.
If that helps.
I am glad we got to talk a little not too long ago, and I'd love to talk again sometime. Love you, Ashlee.
Thanks, Janelle. I liked our talk as well.
ReplyDeleteIt's like another friend of mine (whom you know and might be able to guess). That person told me that I wouldn't approve of their actions after a particularly bad break-up and I just wondered why my approval was actually important to this person. Granted, I didn't really like their actions, but I wasn't going to dictate what they could or couldn't do. After all, the person did warn me.
But I like that bit of dialogue, out-of-context though it is. Thank you for it.