9/26/11
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Right after I got back from India, I had a discussion with the pastor who was in charge of the whole thing, and he told me that until I had grown some more, we would end up having the same conversations about the same things. I think he called it a plateau.
I understand plateaus. They frustrated me when I was losing weight on Ebeye (and trying to re-lose/keep it off now). On a plateau, there seems to be no progress, just more and more horizon, more trudging, more slogging with no or very little results. And sometimes, you just don't know where you're headed because the scenery's all the same. (I feel as if I'm currently on a plateau.)
I understand walls. I built some in my own life (and I'm just realizing how and when I built some of them) and I helped build some for a church and a school in Taraco, Peru. I spent all summer talking about walls: Jericho's massive wall, which I saw fall every Wednesday, and the Wall in marathons, which I learned that you keep working through with the knowledge that one has done the training, that "It's a knowing thing, not a feeling thing."
I've had many walls knocked down by the best Wall-Smasher in the business; all it took was me telling Him that I wanted them knocked down. I've grown a lot since that conversation with P.K. in 2007, but apparently this is a stretching period, a waiting period, a period in which I'm still learning, but in which I feel like I'm just slogging through with no idea where I'm headed.
Right now, I know. Right now, I'm not feeling it. And maybe this is too messy for my blog, maybe it's too personal, but I'm sick of being invisible, I'm sick of hiding. God's got more walls in me to smash down, and I've given Him permission, and it's scary, but I definitely want it to happen because I'm tired of being tired and stressed.
I want it to happen because I'm tired of being on autopilot.
-Ashlee
Oh, Ashlee, I've been feeling much the same way.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I like the code you've done here. It's brilliant.
I'm tired of autopilot, too.
See, but I'm not entirely if it's actually autopilot or not. It just feels like autopilot. Like, I've chosen for God to be in control, but it doesn't feel like anything is happening. I've discovered that I really, really, really am not liking waiting as much as I used to. I don't know what's wrong with me, if indeed something is.
ReplyDeleteLove the creativity in the code. Totally wish I'd thought of that idea first, haha :) Anyway, I feel on autopilot, too, a lot of the time. I mean right now I'm just sitting here up in Maine in a house owned by my in-laws, not legally being allowed to work in the U.S. (but doing some house-renovation work for church members alongside Jonathan anyway, SHHHH, don't tell!). Just waiting for papers to be returned, waiting for papers to be sent off, waiting to make a flight and start my real, actual married life.
ReplyDeleteBut for you, if this is the stretching time, the walls-being-smashed-down time, a time when you've left the plateau, I don't see that as autopilot. That's the time when things can happen, when God can mold you and use you in a completely different way than he's used you before. I'll be when you look back on this time later on you'll see how God-piloted it really was. Just keep holding on to Him and letting Him be in charge. You're in for the time of your life!
I won't tell, Ali, I promise. :D
ReplyDeleteI agree that it's not autopilot. But it sure does feel like it sometimes. Something I keep seeing in the Bible is that people HOLD FAST, and that's something I hope He gives me the strength to do. Thanks for your encouraging words, Ali. I appreciate it a lot.
Glad you won't tell :D
ReplyDeleteYeah, people in the Bible always did hold fast. Something I sure need to do more of, too. Glad you found my words encouraging.
PS - That third-last sentence was supposed to start with "It'll"...but I'm sure you got that.