Spring Break Thoughts, Part 1

3-2-14

It certainly seems like most people I know are dating, getting engaged or married, or having children. Me, I've still never really been on a date, despite the desire to have done so. Is it because I lack self-confidence that I get overlooked? Or is it because I'm heavier than I'd like to be? (Because certainly I got paid more attention to when I weighed less, so don't tell me that's not a thing.) And how will I ever meet someone?

My specialization here at graduate school has mostly women in it (and the guys are either dating, engaged, or otherwise disinclined). Maybe I missed the boat in undergraduate. I don't know. I was still figuring out friendships, to be honest, since I didn't really have a group of people who wanted to be around me and vice versa until I came back from Ebeye. And the student group at church is mostly undergraduates and mostly female, at least the parts of it I've seen.

And I recently finished reading The Fault In Our Stars, and one of the things I pondered was What if I never fall in love? Ever? And I don't have a satisfying answer to that because I do have that desire. It might be easier if I felt called to singleness, you know?

Some of my friends (one that I'm thinking of in particular) would say that falling in love is easy. I semi-disagree. It might be easy for that particular friend, but so far it hasn't for me. I don't think I've ever "fallen in love." Are my standards too high? Am I too picky? How would I just 'know'? I'm not sure I necessarily believe in love-at-first-sight, either. I think it would have to happen to me for me to believe in it.

So here I am, surrounded by my books and homework. I hope this doesn't sound too bitter; it's not meant to be. I'm just frustrated when it feels like I'm falling behind whether or not that's actually the case, that I'm once again behind the times like in middle school when I could jump on the new trend only after it became the old trend.