3-2-14
It certainly seems like most people I know are dating, getting engaged or married, or having children. Me, I've still never really been on a date, despite the desire to have done so. Is it because I lack self-confidence that I get overlooked? Or is it because I'm heavier than I'd like to be? (Because certainly I got paid more attention to when I weighed less, so don't tell me that's not a thing.) And how will I ever meet someone?
My specialization here at graduate school has mostly women in it (and the guys are either dating, engaged, or otherwise disinclined). Maybe I missed the boat in undergraduate. I don't know. I was still figuring out friendships, to be honest, since I didn't really have a group of people who wanted to be around me and vice versa until I came back from Ebeye. And the student group at church is mostly undergraduates and mostly female, at least the parts of it I've seen.
And I recently finished reading The Fault In Our Stars, and one of the things I pondered was What if I never fall in love? Ever? And I don't have a satisfying answer to that because I do have that desire. It might be easier if I felt called to singleness, you know?
Some of my friends (one that I'm thinking of in particular) would say that falling in love is easy. I semi-disagree. It might be easy for that particular friend, but so far it hasn't for me. I don't think I've ever "fallen in love." Are my standards too high? Am I too picky? How would I just 'know'? I'm not sure I necessarily believe in love-at-first-sight, either. I think it would have to happen to me for me to believe in it.
So here I am, surrounded by my books and homework. I hope this doesn't sound too bitter; it's not meant to be. I'm just frustrated when it feels like I'm falling behind whether or not that's actually the case, that I'm once again behind the times like in middle school when I could jump on the new trend only after it became the old trend.
I get this feeling. My situation doesn't feel so bad, though, because at this school, I'm surrounded by super-desperate men around thirty who really, really want to be married and aren't. So, like, I dunno. We commiserate.
ReplyDeleteIt is different for me, though, because I'm finished with love, and I am semi-okay with that.
My sister would tell you that love happens when you least expect it, when you aren't looking for it and are happy with who and where and all the Ws and Hs you are. But then, she's never been single for more than a few months here and there.
My parents would tell you love happens when you reach a level of comfort and security in a friendship that is beyond what you have with other people.
I guess I would tell you this: My experience with love and a lack of it has always been fraught, and I've worked pretty hard to reach the level of contentment I have now, and the work I've done has been mostly to focus on the things I don't feel behind or lost in and to ... screw the rest of it ...
This is an incredibly selfish sort of essay to post in response, but it is the only thing of even limited value I can give you. I'm sorry, and I truly believe that you will not only catch up to but surpass everyone else who jumped on the love bandwagon before you did. I truly believe that God has something saved up for you that will be worth the wait.
Thanks, Janelle, for being so open and honest. And thank you the most for your last two sentences.
ReplyDeleteAnd maybe you think you're "finished with love," but maybe not. Who knows? Neither of us can tell the future.
Yeah, I probably should've led with that and cut out all the other stuff. :-P
ReplyDeleteWell, I'd have to do a lot of work to change a lot of my fundamentals now, so I think I'll just stick with where I am. Most days, I'm actually glad no one's contractually obligated to stick around. I have a lot more freedom that way. :-) But you're right-- I don't know the future. (At this point, if marriage is in my future, I am glad I don't know it.)
Emoticons FTW ...