Desire

11-30-12

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I don't often pen out my soliloquies,
For You--You are He who sees--
You know him and me and if us
You know my heart pulls me to my knees.

I am full of trembling fears
Accumulated through the tarnished years
Of things said and of things heard
Of bootless dreams and silent tears.

I know what I would like to say
And to keep saying it day by day
But I am mute
For once it's said, I can't unsay.

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Circular Indecision

11-17-12

(Once again, it's not really the 18th until I've slept some. I had a great night playing Age of Empires II. I wish Landen had let me play while on Ebeye so I'd be a lot better now. But I understand why he didn't. It takes a long time. Anyway, this is fiction. Maybe fiction-y.)

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"I think you should go for it."
"But why? Last time--"
"Last time doesn't matter. It hurts, but it's in the past."
"You're not Rafiki. Seriously, this is the real world and--"
"And in the real world, nothing happens unless you make it happen. Things just don't 'magically' happen. You've got to take your life by the reins. Seize the day. Carpe diem."
"That's just seize the day in Latin."
"I was emphasizing the point by repeating it. Now, listen. You go up to him and you--"
"La la la. Not listening!"
"You're not Smeagol, you know. All you have to do is say it."
"But I don't want to make things awkward. I don't want to lose what I've already got."
"I see your point, but I think your argument is invalid."
"But what if it goes terribly? Like all that stuff in high school?"
"Okay, so do some research. Ask his friends. They know him. They'd be able to figure it out."
"Oh, and let them know? They could tell him. It could go so wrong, and I don't know if I could handle that. I'm just afraid--"
"Yeah, and look where all that fear's gotten you. Nowhere you want to be, is it?"
"That's low."
"It's true."
"But...but..."
"I think you should go for it."
"But why? Last time--"
"Look, this argument is never going to end unless you decide to do something. So far, all you've ever decided--except for that time, don't look at me like that--is to suck it up and say nothing. Who is that keeps saying what the definition of insanity is?"
"Is it talking to oneself in the mirror? 'Cause if so, we've lost it."
"You mean I've lost it."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever."
"So you should make a decision, either way. Which one would you be happier with? Speaking, or not speaking?"
"I just don't know..."
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Operating Capacity

11-13-12

Fiction-y.
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My receptors flicker and glow. Electricity floods my circuits. Each gear in my chest whirs and wheels.

Everything appears to be in working order. At last check, there have been no recalls or anything else that's amiss. I see, I hear, I receive input and can certainly output. I'm at peak operating capacity.

So why is it nearly impossible to speak how I feel? Why do the words stop short of becoming audible?

Perhaps because the last time I said something, I got shut down so hard that I'm still rebooting.
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