Nervousness

3-19-10

Give me a new, harder piece of music, point me out to everyone, put me in a different section of the room--and see me sweat. Palms, mostly. Also, it can't be seen, but my brain is like spazzing with wondrous phrases like, "Oh, great, what if I screw up like last time? Never mind, I shall play great! Doesn't the violin sound so pretty? Wow, she probably practices a lot more than I do, and I've been practicing a lot..." all while counting my measures of rest. Measures of playing are something entirely different--then I'm focused on what I'm doing, and not on the future notes. Still, I get all jittery and palm-sweaty. It's really annoying, especially since we all know that I've tackled the part. Everyone's heard it at least once, and I've heard it in the practice room I don't know how many times. Argh.

It's as if I haven't been playing bass clarinet since I was a sixth-grader.

Here I am, fretting over descending triplets in two, when I used to be a decent clarinet player who switched to some massive, mysterious instrument that I couldn't even make a middle C on and fell in love. Granted, there was a lot of what I call "bump, bump" music for my part (it is a bass clarinet, after all), but I still love playing it. That's the reason I've been practicing every day but Sabbaths since spring break. And I've improved, too. I like playing that section, even if it has frustrated me to almost no end for a month or so.

But I'm flabbergasted at the fact that, in orchestra, I sit next to a high school junior who completely schools me on the clarinet. He told me that he practices 3-4 hours a day. I thought he was a college student--but no, he's homeschooling and plans to be a music major when he goes to college. (At least that explains how he has so much time for practicing. I certainly didn't have that much time for practicing in high school. Nor could I spend two days going to lessons six hours away.) He's a pretty amazing player.

I couldn't play as well as he can--but I'm not playing his part. I'm playing my part, and I do decently well at it. I enjoy playing it, especially when people tell me that I'm doing well. That whole words of affirmation thing. Then again, it helps me when nothing negative is said, too. It's almost as good as saying something encouraging.

I sure hope and pray that it goes well on Sunday.

More later.