Post #100!!

11/21/10

Not that getting to a hundredth post is actually any sort of accomplishment when I've been keeping this blog since July 2009 and here it is November 2010. I don't have to do any sort of math to see how lax I've been in keeping this at times. (Stupid homework.)

Anyway, last night/this morning, some friends and I climbed the ridge behind our school. We have miles of biology trails out there, and we climbed to the top (in the full moonlight, mind you), had a fire in an old firepit that's up there, ate marshmellows, and listened to an audio version of C.S. Lewis's The Silver Chair. I couldn't stay out the whole time because I had work and homework to do today, but I stayed out there until about 11:30 PM and then came back down with one of the others. (I slipped in the leaf cover and whacked my leg on a rock while coming down. I have a nice bruise.)

The woods at night are pretty darn awesome. The moonlight made it relatively easy to see (which was good, because it was my first time up there) and it made everything look all silvery and/or a washed out gray color. It was silent except for the whispering wind--we couldn't hear the cars or the people in the valley below. We were at the top of the ridge, and we could see the lights of the closest town and the lights of the nearest big city. It was rather breathtaking, and it was really nice to get "off" campus (well, off what I normally refer to as campus) and just be. I really do like nature, and I need to get out into it more.

On Friday night, I had my first vespers date. For those of you who don't know what a vespers date is, it is a relatively boring "date" which involves two people going to the vespers service here at school. The guy I went with actually walked over to my Southern Village apartment and picked me up (meaning we walked together to vespers and back). We had some great conversation, and, to my knowledge, it was a good and straightforward version of what a vespers date is supposed to be. (Funny thing is, the guy and I decided to go together because his big brother is the one who's been challenging me to go out there and talk to people and such. The brother's reaction wasn't quite what I was hoping for, but it's sort of hard to shock him. I should have guessed. Oh, well, I still found it funny.) It was fun, and I'd be willing to go with the guy again just because it was fun. Then again, we always have fun conversations, Friday night or not.

I think the biggest thing in my life right now is that I'm not sure if I want to be a teacher any more. I enjoyed teaching while I was on Ebeye, and I've thought about being a teacher for a very long time, but I am no longer sure if that's what I'm supposed to do with my life. I'm pretty sure that it doesn't have to do with the frustrations that come from dealing with the school's education department, but I don't really know where the doubt is coming from. I've done some thinking on it, and I wonder if I chose to be a teacher because that's what everyone has sort of expected me to be. I don't even know if I'd be happy doing it. Sure, I really do enjoy seeing students' faces light up when they finally understand something, but I'm super happy to go home at the end of the day. My roommate on Ebeye was always at the school, always having kids in her classroom, seemed to thrive off the interaction and whatnot, whereas each day exhausted, exhilarated, and emotionally drained me. I did well at it, but I'm realizing now that it might not be something that will make me happy.

But the next dilemma is that if I do drop my Education major, I have no idea what to do as a real, official grown-up. I'm not kidding. It's like the biggest question for our non-education English majors. My friend (the one challenging me to meet guys and what not) had had no idea that I was struggling with such doubts and randomly asked me one day last week, "Why are you an education major again?" and I realized that I didn't really have an answer for him. So I'm at a crossroads--and I don't know which way to go. Yes, I'm praying for guidance and what not, but God doesn't expect people to just sit and wait until He answers, so I'm just trying to figure out if I should stay in the education class I have next semester or not--and if not, what I'm supposed to start going toward. Sometimes actually growing up sucks.

More later.
~Ashlee