8/29/14
I don't feel called to be single. I think I'd know by now if I were.
Apparently there's not really techniques or methods or tips or tricks to falling in love. And I don't understand how it happens. I ask, and no one seems to know. My mom said she saw Dad and just "knew." Super helpful, Mom, thanks. I've seen roommates fall in love, get all giggly distracted and engaged. Some of my friends just had chemistry together.
And then there's me. Thinking back, I've had multiple crushes but really only one crush. That was in high school, was probably my first crush, and I got shut down (really politely, too, for it being sophomore year of high school, and the guy and I are still friends and I'm glad I didn't date him because he and his wife are perfect for each other). After getting shut down like that, I guess I just hid any crushes too deeply to be seen, which basically makes it my fault that I'll be twenty-seven on Sunday and have still never gone on a date. I mean, that will make me the same age as Charlotte Lucas. Yippee.
Yet, how do I meet people now? It's undergraduates or married people at church, so there's that. (To be fair, I've had it pointed out to me by a trusted friend that maybe those around my age are out getting degrees like I am, and just aren't at my school. Fair point. Still frustrating for there not to be single men at church.) I don't drink, so bars would be boring and exhausting. (Superbly drunk people are not fun, no matter what they think.)
Besides, I don't really believe one can make a lasting connection on small talk. It has to be deeper than that. I don't want to play games or put on a show and I certainly don't want to dumb myself down or make compromises in regard to my beliefs. Most everyone says that's a good thing. So why am I still single? Obviously it's because there's something wrong with me--that I'm not beautiful enough, not confident enough, not flirty enough, something. And while I try and try not to believe that (because at least in part it's not true and I know that), it still hurts. It really hurts.
It just feels like I screwed up my time at university by only getting my degree.
Aww, I don't know.
ReplyDeleteI don't think there's anything wrong with you, though. People always say that. Like, do things differently. Put yourself out there. Wear makeup. But like ... I know people who did everything right and are still single. I know people who thought they had the right person and got divorced.
What is, is. I don't think it's your fault. I hope you find the right person for you soon. <3
Thanks.
ReplyDelete